I was miserable.
I had done no denial for nearly a year. And I had never done a month-long challenge. It was a mammoth task, and I question why I committed to it so flippantly.
I was drunk on the denial high on the third day. I can’t explain how amazing it felt for the work stress to fall away. I dream about work, I live work, I breathe work. But for three days I was relaxed. I didn’t check e-mails after I got home. I was too busy edging. Everything felt better. Everything was hot again. I even wrote again.
And then on the fourth day, I dropped.
And I dropped hard.
I cried. I can’t do this, I can’t.
But I was encouraged to keep going, so I did.
The next day, I dropped further.
My boss asked me what was wrong. Something seemed off. I was absent-minded, seemed sad. Even more than I was before I’d started this challenge. I couldn’t focus at work, the one place that really requires my constant focus. Before I started, I felt close to asexual. It was shocking how quickly edging turned me into a little slut again.
When I came home last night, I really wanted to try again. I edged once. I posted a very hot writing. I edged again.
But when I stopped, on the edge of an orgasm, I started sobbing.
Orgasm denial is…*undeniably* hot. But after five days, I was a wreck.
I’m embarrassed about this. I didn’t want to post this, but I think I need to. Here’s my confession: I made myself cum. I failed the challenge.
It doesn’t feel like a failure, though. I made it to the end of the fifth day, which is more than I’ve managed for nearly a year. And when I felt absolutely broken, I did the right thing and I made myself cum. I tell myself it was self-care. I have not let myself, or anyone else down.
That’s what I tell myself, anyway. It’s still hard. My competitiveness can’t quite let go of the fact that I failed. But you know what? If we never failed, we would never learn anything.
I feel so much better today. A weight has been lifted from my chest. I slept well, and I am managing to focus on work. I edged this morning as soon as I woke up, and again in the shower. It didn’t make me want to cry. Slowly, I’m starting to feel turned on again today.
I’m back to denial today, but with less pressure. Starting slow. I’m embarrassed that I failed. I’m also proud. This thing we do, it’s really hard. We need to be brave. Knowing how to fail is the bravest thing there is.
This is such an important post, thank you for sharing something that was so hard, but so important.
Please, anyone who’s in a similar position, let this just be an encouragement to you to be proud of how much you did manage, and if you fancy it, start again and keep playing along!