like he’s done a great job but it’s just so frustrating. I don’t want to play with myself in the shower, I want him to make me cum. Every single time I just lie there pretending I’m worn out and satisfied when I’m burning up inside. I’ve gotten so good at faking it. What can I do?

Hi Casey,

Okay, great question, and a common issue.

But at the moment, you’re part of the problem. You, faking your orgasms, for whatever reason, is giving him the wrong signals. He thinks he’s doing it right when in fact, he’s crap.

But why would he ever try to get better if he thinks what he’s doing is making you cum?

There’s a couple of ways to approach this and it mainly depends on the nature of your relationship.

If it can handle it, then my recommended approach is just to be straight with him.

Sit him down, hold his hand and…

‘So look, we need to talk about something. I love you and love being your girlfriend but I have to admit something (pause, he’s going to think it’s REALLY bad, so your admission will be a relief).

‘I’ve been faking all my orgasms. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make you feel bad but we really need to improve what we do in bed as I’m going a bit crazy…’

Notice the ‘our’ it’s a joint problem you’re going to work through together. He’ll be shocked, but hopefully then you can talk it through, be honest, and agree together to communicate more and try new things. If he doesn’t agree to this, he’s a complete dick, but you know that.

The second option is better if you’re not sure he or the relationship could handle the hard truth in one go. Basically you need to stop faking your orgasms over time, and we hope he picks up on that and starts to realise he’s not good at this.

In both cases above, the key is communication and education. Posts like my hugely popular one on ‘how to give cunnilingus like a superstar’. But just searching for fun sex ed stuff to explore together, there’s loads on tumblr and online. Most of all though, committing to be honest with each other and make sure both of you are enjoying sex together.

A very simple rule to ensure this is ‘You cum first’. Outside of exploring denial it’s really the simplest way to ensure a good sex life. Guys don’t really get that when you cum, it makes you MORE ready for penetrative sex, rather than just wanting to go to sleep. When they get that, and realise that they can make you cum with their hands, tongues, vibes etc FIRST and it means you’ll enjoy them fucking you even more, it’s a gamechanger.

Of course there is a third option, given you’ve written to the author of an orgasm denial blog to ask about this…

Make it worse.

Stop cumming, at all. Just edge, just denial, make yourself so horny that his attempts at making you cum become pure torture, the very best kind. Rub yourself in the shower, not to make it better, but to make it worse. Deeply, fucked up, masochistic denial. Don’t just burn inside, be a fucking firestarter. 

Choices, choices…

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