Archive for : May, 2017

Hi James, I’m considering making June a denial month for myself as a challenge, starting on the 1st. I’ve gone longer without an orgasm, but not while deliberately edging every day as suggested in your (amazing!) blog, so I’m hoping this will be a more enjoyable and challenging go! Thing is, my birthday falls within the month – the 11th – and I’m thinking about giving myself a pass to come on my birthday. What do you think – should I give myself that day off? Thanks for this awesome blog!! – Hy

Great idea!

But no, sorry hyacinth, you do this properly. No cumming, all month. Four edges a day, sleep stuffed on Thursdays, no touching on Fridays.

You’re welcome.

You’re allowed a ruin on your birthday, but you better be grateful and tell us all about it.

Good girl.

Your post makes me so wet and horny….. it made me cum earlier today when I was trying to edge myself…. I feel ashamed…..

Don’t feel ashamed! Shame doesn’t do you any good.

Just try again, and do better this time. You never know what you could accomplish…

So a while ago I sent an ask about my vibrator dying literally mid-orgasm a whole bunch of times. I decided that the way around it was to just edge and not cum, so I did that for a while. I felt like it held its charge way longer when I did that. AND THEN one day I was like “I’m gonna have an orgasm today. My vibe was pretty fully charged, so I wasn’t worried. Except. It. Died. Mid-orgasm. Again. I’m distraught.

I’ve always wanted to get into the lifestyle (as a female sub looking for a male dom) but I feel like I should get to know the dom as a person first? What’s your view on this? Thanks.

Oh Anon, don’t get me started. I could write an essay on this, a whole book in fact.

Yes, absolutely you should get to know them first. The trouble is one of supply and demand, there aren’t many doms around, and there are lots of submissive women wanting one.

This leads to the Fine Line dilemma. That is, there is a fine line between a dom, and an asshole. And most of them are just assholes.

You see it’s very easy for some horny asshole to just label his dumb, abusive behaviour as ‘oh hey, I’m a dom!’ and it apparently make it okay. It obviously doesn’t, but you lovely subs are so keen to be dominated that you, over time, lower your standards and hope against hope that the next guy will be a real dom and not an asshole. Sadly the odds are against you. 

So what’s the answer?

Firstly treat anyone who labels themselves a dom but acts like a dick as a dick, not a dom (English followers just laughed at that for reasons the rest of you will never understand).

You deserve respect and attention as a human being before any D/s goes down, and if they can’t give you that then fuck ‘em (as in, you know what I mean).

And honestly if the dom stuff is the only thing you have going on and you have nothing else to talk about then it doesn’t bode well either.

That’s not an answer, i want an answer

Okay, fair point. So here’s my real answer, but you might not like it.

Your best bet in finding a dom, is making your own.

‘Noooo, don’t tell me that’ I hear you cry, ‘I want a ready made dom to control and enslave me!!!! I don’t wanna make one!’

I know, but welcome to life. If you want the good stuff you usually have to work at it.

You need to find a good guy (or girl), who does want to get to know you as a person, and maybe he’s dominant, he’ll usually, but not always be an ‘alpha’ type personality, although some will surprise you.

The criteria should be ‘do they have the potential to be a dom, not ‘are they a dom already’. That’s going to be an early criteria in whether you’re into someone, but it’s not the only thing.

You should have lots in common, ideally actually live near each other, and slowly get to know each other and explore love, sex and D/s and grow into it. OMG it’s almost like having a relationship and then getting your kink on! (It’s exactly that).

As to how to then train them up, well that’s a subject for another post, and perhaps a book – seriously. But keep chasing me on it, I’ll see what I can come up with. And it absolutely is possible, I know because I help women do it. Before I ran this blog and got swamped by desperately horny young women (and don’t get me wrong, I LOVE you all) I actually spent a lot of my online time helping married women who were looking for a dom (bad idea) to actually get their husbands to dom them instead. (I’d deny them too, don’t worry!). But it was damn successful (and hugely satisfying). So yeah, I speak from experience.

What if I like girls?

For those interested in dommes much of the same applies except dommes tend to be fake not because they are assholes (unless they are a guy pretending, lots of those, be warned) but because they are actually a whore who wants money from you. 

Besides that, you get some real ones, but they are fucking psychos, like really off the wall dangerous nutjobs. I don’t know what it is, but the scariest people I’ve ever encountered in the kink world were dommes. So yeah, you’re not safe just because you like boobs.

So guy or gal, dom or domme, please be careful my lovely followers, I don’t want you getting hurt. (And I don’t just mean emotionally, these people can get under your skin and fuck you up).

Of course there are some real, ready to go doms and dommes out there but they are very, very rare. Just think about it, if they’re real then the likelihood is they’ve been snapped up already and the subs who have found them are going to make VERY sure they aren’t getting away.

So let me point you to my post about the quite well known ‘Acid test’ as to whether someone’s for real and red flags to watch fo:

Actually that’s a really good post, you all need to read it! I’m ordering you as a DOM!

Love you


hi james! can you link the task with the deck of cards? i couldnt find it for the past hour and i really want to do it again. or do you have other games coming up?

Do you mean Diva’s Task?

It took me literally 4 seconds to find by typing in ‘cards’ into the search function…

We are going to have another game, it’s called hunt the search button. When you find it you win a prize – knowledge, the gift that keeps on giving. Then we’ll have one all about using TAGS but that’s the advanced course.

Please James, Sir, help me… Im such a slut and I need correct guidance. Edging makes me horny, ruined rgasms makes me horny, no-touch makes me horny, I don’t know what to do, in what order or how much of each anymore.. should I edge or ruin or no touch????!!! I’m sorry sir I’m such a slut.

I want 6 edges one day, no touch the next. I mean fucking strict no touch, not even a finger on your pussy all day long. I want cobwebs on it by the end of the day!

If you manage this regime, for ten whole days, you may ruin an orgasm on the last night.If you fail to do all your edges (the must all be separate times of the day) or you touch on a no touch day then you start from day 1 again.

Good girl

I was just wondering, what exactly is ruining? I only just started getting into denying myself orgasms and I see ruining coming up a lot on blogs, etc. But not a lot of posts explain what the full meaning of it is. I was hoping you could help shed some light on it for me, thanks. By the way, your blog was the one that got me into denying, I’ve not had an orgasm for 2 weeks and I’ve never felt better.

Firstly, this is awesome. Well done! Two weeks is amazing!

Secondly, the search and tag functions are your friends! There’s hundreds of posts on here about ruined orgasms. But here’s one to get you started:

Hi James! So, my bf isn’t into denial at all, no matter how much I tried to get him to like it. But I can’t help I’m a denial fucking slut, I just love so much the sensation to be denied. He just wants to make me cum all the time, and mostly he does it very well, I hate to admite it. Because I HATE cumming, that’s the truth, I love to feel horny and insatiable all the time, 24/7. What should I do? Fake orgasms to him? I feel like I’m gonna be a terrible fucktoy if I do that to him. – Gabi

Hi Gabi,

Okay, this sucks, I’m sorry.

The big question is how clearly have you explained this to him? If you have, and he isn’t listening, then ironically to some ‘but he’s making you cum…!’, he’s being a bad boyfriend by not giving you what you need. He’s selfishly making you cum, and if you genuinely hate it, you need to make that clear. It’s not okay.

Switch the situation for a moment, say he kept fucking your ass despite you hating it and asking him not to. That would be a red flag right there. So if you HAVE genuinely explained this to him and he is ignoring you and doing it anyway, you need to have a very serious talk.

But the likelihood is we’re still at a stage of miscommunication. You may have said it, but he doesn’t really believe you, or he just hasn’t got it yet.

Us men are not creatures of subtlety. In fact most of us are knuckle scraping neanderthals. We need it explained in short, clear sentences or we get lost.

(Hemsworth’s most accurate portrayal to date…)

This is why I wrote this for you to send to him:

Edit it as you want, but be brave. Send it.

Then you have this to follow up with:

There’s no room for misunderstanding once he’s read those. If he keeps making you cum then frankly my dear, your boyfriend is a dick.

If he still doesn’t get it after that, then you do have the choice of starting to fake orgasms. I personally think that’s rather hot, but it’s only a short term solution.

Is there room for some kind of middle ground where he still gets to make you cum sometimes, but denies you others, sure. But it sounds at the moment he’s just totally disregarding your wants and needs. Not good.

Your man needs to learn to take care of you, and in your case, that’s very clearly by NOT letting you cum.

Good luck Gabi, feel free to message if I can give you any other advice.